The first level 2 was scary! We found out we were having a girl but we also found out she could have a hole in her heart. A VSD but it would likely heal on it's own. However this is something we would check again in 6 weeks. I was worried all over again but not about DS. I was worried about this little girl having a hole in her heart. At this point I actually let the fear of DS leave my mind completely. When we went back in 6 weeks the hole was not there but, we found out, neither was her nasal bone. I knew from my previous research this was a marker for DS. The doctor confirmed that it was a moderate marker but since that was our only marker it was unlikely she would have it. He wanted to check her again in 8 weeks to see if the nasal bone was there and they had just missed it. I cried again and worried and researched and tried to figure out what this would mean for the little person growing inside of me. If she didn't have down syndrome, she was still missing a nasal bone. What would this mean? Would she have breathing problems? Require surgery? Or would she just have a cute little button nose and have trouble finding sunglasses that fit? There were so many unknowns and I didn't know where to go. So I prayed. To me it didn't feel right to pray that Claire didn't have Down syndrome. I was afraid that if I prayed she didn't have DS and she was born with it that it would seem like she wasn't an answered prayer or wasn't what I had asked for. This may sound dumb but they were my feelings and my prayers. So I prayed that she would be healthy. I could live with Down syndrome but I prayed she would be born physically healthy.
Those next 8 weeks were maybe the longest of the pregnancy. I used that time to get myself use to the idea that she might be born with Down syndrome. When friends asked me about her or the pregnancy I would offer up "and she might have down syndrome." Most people responded as anyone would, no she will be fine. But for me it was important to practice saying those words. I felt like the more I got myself adjusted to the idea, the easier it would be if it happened. I also knew that the more people I told, the more support I would have when I delivered. I think deep inside part of me knew. Our last level 2 ultrasound should have been very comforting. We actually got the news we hoped for...there were no other markers showing up, her growth was right on track and she was actually measuring a little big. She kept her face hid and would not show us her nose but the doctors felt confident that she was a typical little baby. If she had any abnormalities, something would be showing up on this ultrasound. They told us not to worry. Blake left that appointment more uplifted and at ease. I left more worried. I felt like the doctor's were trying not to upset me and that worried me even more.
As delivery day approached I was nervous. I don't think I was afraid of the outcome but I was worried about how I was going to react initially. I had read enough blogs to know that I might grieve and I might cry and I might be upset. Because of this I didn't want anyone at the hospital except Blake when I delivered. If I wanted to grieve, I wanted to do it in the privacy of my hospital room without anyone to judge me. Not that my family would have judged but I would have felt guilty for grieving and I didn't want that. I also made Blake promise me that he would tell me immediately. Patience is not my strong suit and I didn't want to wait until a couple hours after recovery to have a pediatrician come to my room and confirm what I suspected. I wanted to know. I expected it, I was prepared and I wanted to know.
As soon as she was born I waited to hear how she was. I'll never forget how I felt hearing that first little cry! It was so special and loud and cute. She was here and she let us all know it. Dr Nelson took her over to the corner and started his evaluation and Blake assured me she was beautiful! I couldn't wait until I could see her and count fingers and toes. I waited a couple minutes and then I started asking how she was, if her nose was ok and if she had Down syndrome. The first thing I remember hearing Dr. Nelson say is she needs to see genetics. Again, this wasn't sufficient information for my Type A personality. I needed more. So I asked in his opinion, did she have DS and he said yes, she has several of the physical characteristics and she needs to see genetics. I wasn't sad. I wasn't depressed. I was ok with the information. As Dr. Jones and his team proceeded to stitch me up, Dr. Nelson explained why he thought Claire might have Down syndrome and what our next few steps would be. Maybe ignorance is bliss but knowledge is empowering. And at that point the most important thing I knew was that my baby girl was healthy. God had answered my prayers and she was healthy. She wasn't being airlifted to Children's hospital. She wasn't even being taken to the NICU. She was being taken to our hospital room where she would wait patiently for me. She was healthy. She was breathing without any problems, her APGAR scores were 8 and 9, her coloring was good and she had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. She was perfect. The answer to our prayers. We waited 3 years for this little miracle and God picked an angel for us! There is a lot we still need to figure out but we have time for that. Right now I'm going to go count little fingers and little toes. Again.
:) She IS an angel!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you shared this.